FAT IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD.

"I'm minding my fat, black, beautiful business"-Lizzo

Hello, my name is Sunni and I am fat. There was a point in time when this country had an absolute obsession with being thin. Fat was the ENEMY and using the word fat to describe anything was almost just as derogatory as the N-word. There’s a term for this now and it’s called “fatphobia”, but back then nobody cared. If you were fat, you were not worthy of pretty much anything…period. Everyone tried to stay as far away from fat as possible, and that included fat people, as if fat were contagious. If it was labeled “FAT FREE” in the grocery store, it was flying off the shelves, right after folks bought their 3 packs of cigarettes. However, as the pendulum swings, it’s hard to imagine that now in 2023 when the trendiest of weight loss crazes consists of heavy fat consumption. Diets such as keto, the carnivore, and Atkins declare carbs as the new current dietary enemy. I remember when we all learned in school that carbohydrates were at the bottom on the “food pyramid” which meant carbs were supposed to take up the largest percentage of your intake. Now carbs are the new fat. Thank goodness the general attitude towards fat is changing. Nevertheless, growing up in a time when fatphobia was rampant was traumatic for a bigger-than-most black girl growing up in the 80s and 90s. In the 80’s and 90s, it was more tolerable for someone to be a murderer, just as long as they weren’t a fat murderer. Before this new wave of liberal political correctness, making fun of fat people was completely socially acceptable. In fact, it was encouraged. You weren’t supposed to give fat people any respect, grace, or sympathy because they simply didn’t deserve it. Afterall, being fat is deliberate choice someone makes by being lazy and lacking self-discipline, right? Well, that was how the masses viewed it. If you dared to show a fat person any kindness or favor, you ran the risk of being ridiculed yourself and labeled as a “chubby chaser” which was almost just as embarrassing as being fat.

Thanks to the internet, I most recently browsed my smart TV and came across the pilot episode of 70’s TV sit-com, What’s Happenin’ on Tubi (I love Tubi!). Rerun, played by Fred Berry (RIP), is probably one of my favorite television characters of all time. He was immensely talented in so many ways, especially with his agile and flexible dancing abilities. But because he was fat, that’s what his character was centered around-him being the butt of every joke and nobody taking him seriously. Even the beautiful legendary actress, Mable King who played Rog’s mom, was ridiculed for smothering her son when she hugged him at end of every other episode. 1970’s tv-show Good Times features Johnny Brown’s character, Bookman as the buffoonish handyman whose nickname was “Buffalo Butt”. We all laughed at that ish from our gut (yeah, that rhymed 😊). These are all the “re-runs” I grew up watching after school as a kid. Seeing a mainstream music artist like Lizzo was virtually unheard of! Plus-size singers such as Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips and Anne Wilson of rock band Heart would only be allowed to film from the chest up in music videos. Martha Wash (google her) who sang on the mega 90’s hit “Gonna Make You Sweat” didn’t appear in the music video AT ALL. So basically, there was barely any plus-size representation anywhere. We needed a Fat Lives Matter movement.

No wonder I barely had any self-esteem at all! I only had one plus size human being I could look up to (Miss Piggy was my hero), and that was my mom. I thought my mom was (and still is) the most beautiful woman in the world. She is tall, statuesque and literally turned heads wherever she went. The fact that my mother was plus-sized never crossed my mind. I just saw a beautiful woman and I wanted to be just like her. True story: When I was little, I legit thought my mother and the late great Phyllis Hyman were the same person. But when you grow up in a culture that despises fat, nobody will just let you be great. My mom had her own unhealed trauma that affected her self-esteem, so she never truly believed she is as beautiful as she is. She often projected her insecurities on to me telling me I needed to lose weight before any doors would open for me in life. My brothers gave me the nicknames like “Nasty Fat Nasty” and Sunni Gail Piggs when I was 7 years old. Yeah yeah yeah, I know this is what older brothers do. However, words do hurt and it’s difficult not to internalize it, especially at a young age. It stuck with me throughout my life. “Body shaming” is frowned upon now, but back then nobody batted an eye. By the time I hit puberty, I was all the way ashamed of my body. I had to fake having confidence to survive. I was so ashamed of myself, that I would keep my winter coat on all day long thinking it would shield me from judgement.

Gym class was torture, not because of the physical activity (I could outrun most of the skinny white boys, so I didn’t mind that), but because we had to wear the gym uniform. I have no idea how I had the courage to try out for cheerleading. I never cheered before, but I just had the natural ability to dance and knew all the cheer routines just by watching. I lied about my weight on application by about 100 pounds and when I made the team, the coach made it known that we couldn’t get certain style uniforms because some of us on the squad had the “wrong body type”. My uniform had to be special ordered. The following year at try-outs I decided to put my real weight on my application (which was 278 at the time) thinking that I had proven myself and wouldn’t be judged. Well, I got cut that year and was devastated. I spent my entire adolescences thinking I was less of a human being and unworthy because I was bigger than everyone else my age. Fast-forward to 2016 after I lost 130 pounds naturally through diet and exercise and then gained it all back during my toxic marriage, at 36 years old I didn’t understand why I was fat. At that point I was working out 2 times a day, barely ate any sugar, but was consistently gaining weight. I went to the doctor to find out if something was wrong with me.

This doctor, a black woman with braids who was a little on the thick side herself, took one look at me and said “You have PCOS”.

Me: I have what???

Doctor: PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s caused by a hormone imbalance which causes irregular periods, weight gain, unusual hair growth, and infertility. Your body doesn’t process carbohydrates properly, which is probably why you feel so sluggish after a high carb meal and have to work so hard to lose weight.

Me: Huh? So, you’re telling this is what I’ve been dealing with this whole time?

Doctor: Yeah, I can tell by looking at you. Your body shape, stature, discoloration around your neck. I can run some test to confirm, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is”

Me: “So, you’re telling me I’ve been killing myself in the gym everyday for no reason? “

Doctor: Listen, you have to start accepting yourself. It’s not your fault that things are this way. Yes, you can work out and monitor your diet and all that, but you are always going to be a bigger woman. It’s just who you are, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.

There is an episode of the Cosby show when Theo discovers during his senior year of high school that he has the learning disability, dyslexia. Turns out the reason he was bringing home Ds and Cs all that time wasn’t because he was lazy or stupid, but because he had learning disability that he and everyone else around him was completely unaware of. All those days he got grounded for his poor grades, was never really his fault. I felt just like Theo in that moment. All those days I was made fun of or prejudged for my size wasn’t even my fault. Wow! Accepting myself??? That was a new concept for me. Nobody had ever told me that before. I didn’t even know how to do that. Learning that I had essentially been running a race that I could never win was kind of infuriating and a relief at the same damn time. For the first time in my life, I was hearing that being fat wasn’t my fault and that it wasn’t because I was lazy, lacked discipline, or self-awareness. Anybody who does 3 bootcamps a day like I was doing is going to lose weight regardless, but that is not sustainable long term and I basically wreaked havoc on my metabolism just trying to maintain a size 12.

Fast-forward again to now, 2023, and the journey to self-acceptance has been extremely tumultuous. Plus-size people have all kinds of visibility in the mainstream media with acclaimed and talented celebrities like Octavia Spencer, Melissa McCarthy, Chrissy Metz, Gabourey Sidibe, and of course chart-topping pop-artist Lizzo as I mentioned before. I have good days and bad days. My weight and dress sizes go up and down, but I work everyday at keeping the love I found for myself consistent. In the past, I would attempt to lose weight out of the hatred and shame I had for my body thinking that if I were a certain weight or body type would give me some secret password to accessing an account full of f*cks to give. At 43 years old, I’ve given myself access to that f*cks account with this size 18 body, but I’ve decided to keep them all to myself. I've earned them! I hold on to them tight, especially when I put on a two-piece bikini, honey. I’m finally at the point in my life where I am not faking my confidence. I can authentically walk in this body and not be ashamed of it. I’ve made peace with the totality of who I am as a person.

So now when a person calls me fat, it doesn’t sting or cause emotional injury. I Kanye Shrug it off because the word “fat” is not a four-letter word. It only has the power I give it and it most certain can’t have any of my hard-earned, valuable f*cks. They are reserved for my compromised peace.

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