Starving: When Self-love Doesn't Feel Like Enough
- Sunni D
- Apr 18, 2024
- 4 min read
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." -Robin Williams
I recently watched a viral video of a woman, a black plus-size woman with natural hair, who appeared to be in deep emotional pain as she poured her heart out about being deprived of touch by other human beings. She referred to this as "touch starvation".
As I watched this couldn't hold back my tears, because I could feel every bit of her pain.
I've read the comments on the video, and they are full of people who have shamed this woman and accusing her if lacking 'self-love". This woman is pouring her heart out and no one has any empathy, because somehow now in our society, if you have the desire for any level companionship, you're labeled as pathetic and a self-hater. Well how did we get here?
Over the past decade, especially with the rise of several different social media outlets such as SnapChat, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok, also sparked the rise of self-proclaimed relationship gurus and life coaches. In the age of instant information, everybody knows every damn thing. And if you don't know something, just ask Siri and she'll spit some facts. Seems like we've gone from being less dependent on humans and more dependent on our devices. So with that being said, this has birthed what I like to call the " Self-Love Era". Being strong and independent are no longer descriptors mostly attributed to black women anymore, it's become main stream.
Even I've jumped on the self-love bandwagon after divorcing a malignant narcissistic demon. At the start of rebuilding of my life, after reading articles, books, watching YouTube videos, and subscribing to several of those life coaches and dating experts, I came to the conclusion that the lack of love I had for myself was really the culprit in all in my psychological trauma. So I did all the things one would recommend for the journey to self-lovev and worked tirelessly at it. Because of the looming pandemic and subsequent mandary quarantine/ isolation, It was perfect timing to embark on this self-love journey to say the least. I had an entire 2 years of being locked down to get the work done. Here is a list of all the things I've done on this journey to self-love blissfulness.
I became my own BFF. ✔️
Starting treating myself like the prize.✔️
Took solo vacations. ✔️
Bought myself a new wardrobe. ✔️
Changed my hair (several times). ✔️
Gone to therapy. ✔️
Had weekly self-date nights. ✔️
Meditated regularly. ✔️
Made a vision boards. ✔️
Said words of affirmation daily. ✔️
Carried out a exercise routine. ✔️
Fasted! ✔️
Self-care Fridays. ✔️
Removed myself from a toxic workplace. ✔️
Bought chakra crystals. ✔️
Burned Sage. ✔️
Prayed daily. ✔️
Lost weight. ✔️
etc. , ect. ect.
You name it and I've done it. I kept telling myself, if I just focus on me and love on me, I will attract the right person who will love me too....right????.....WRONG!
See, what no one tells you is that knowing your worth can be a very lonely place. Healing is also realizing that some of those people who were in your inner circle were only there because of what you could do for them...Or coming to terms with the fact that some people were only around because of how you've allowed them to use you...Or realizing all those times someone jokingly said they "can't stand you", they actually meant it. Healing can lower your tolerance for bullshit and will ultimately show you just how alone in this world you actually are. That realization requires a whole other form of grieving that can rear it's ugly head as depression and self-isolation.
The healed me was also awakened to the fact that I had never been with a man that truly loved or valued me. I was willing to allow myself to be used for any level of companionship. Intrinsically, I didn't believe I had any inherant value just resting in my natural existence. That little voice inside kept incessantly whispering that I was fat and useless even when I was at my lowest weight and body fat percentage. The truth is, if I wasn't being a mule, jumping through hoops like a circus animal, or being readily available at someone's beck and call, I didn't think anyone would find me valuable. I believed, whether consciously or subconsciously, I had to prove myself to be worthy ALL OF THE TIME.
So if I've done the work and now this is where I am. Twittling my thumbs while the figurative sound of crickets have become the soundtrack of my life. The silence is very loud. Now that I have developed some standards and boundaries, I get ghosted by romantic interest, my phone is as dry as crackheads bottom lip, and most of my so-called "friends" have left me in the cloud of adulting dust.
So it's no mystery why I could relate so much to the lady in the tiktok video. I AM STARVING! I'm deprived of the touch of someone who loves me and the hunger pains are real AF.
If we were truly meant to be alone in this life, then God would have put one person on this planet at a time. It does not mean that I'm lacking self-love to want companionship and/or a healthy meaningful relationship. If we're all being truly honest with ourselves, that's what we all really want at the end of the day. But in 2024, we've all been so traumatized by our relaionship choices, that we've convinced ourselves that being alone is the better, more peaceful option...that is until those crickets become unbearable to listen to.
After reading all the books, watching all the life coach YouTube videos, and bindge watching Iyanla, its taken me months of processing everything I've taken in to reach the conclusion that its OK to crave love and affection from other people. There's nothing wrong with being partnered and focusing on oneself, which is what I am now blessed with in my life. I've learned that self- love is also recognizing that craving companionship, affection, and touch from another human being doesn't make you weak, pathetic, or a self-hater...It makes you human.
❤️