Food Court For Thought

“I need to find sanctuary in a place where I can gather my thoughts and regain my strength” -Cher Horowitz (Clueless)

It’s no secret that my favorite #1 movie of all time is CLUELESS. The first time I watched it at the age of 16, something CLICKED so hardcore inside me! Cher and I were basically the same person. So, how could an almost 6 foot tall, 300 pound, middle-class black teenage girl from Baltimore City possibly relate to a wealthy, thin, blond white girl from Beverly Hills, California? I’ll tell you how. First, Cher’s birthday is in April (I’m pretty sure the same day ). So is mine. She never wore the same outfit twice. Neither did I. She shops to clear her head. ME TOO! She wants everyone around her shine. SO DO I! She was sporting my #1 favorite color in the opening scene-YELLOW! I noticed her chewing gum even matched her outfit which is something I’d totally do. And lastly, her outfits were a direct reflection of her mood. So are mine! When she was taking her driver’s test and needed to find her “most capable looking outfit”. I felt that! When Dionne, her BFF, says “Her main thrill in life is a makeover, okay. It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos”. I felt that AGAIN! I also, like Cher, have this burning desire to make everyone fabulous around me. I was her and she was me, except she was living the life of my dreams with an on-call masseuse, spiral staircase, and computerized rotating closet.

2018 Blazer: Fashion to Figure, Tshirt: Torrid, Earrings: Gabes, Lipstick: Urban Decay-Anarchy

Fast forward to December 2018. Just like at the end of the movie when Cher has an epiphany, I’m having one too. Instead of making over people, she wanted to “makeover her soul” and wanted to figure out “what makes a better person?”. As I am approaching the last year of my 30s, I find myself wondering what my purpose in life really is. I’m currently divorced, childless, careerless and living with my co-existing parents with no space of my own. In the process of “making over my soul”, I always end up (like Cher again!) right here as I write this, in a place where I can gather my thoughts and regain my strength-The food court at the mall.

While most people go to church or chapel of some sort for this type of spiritual guidance, when I can’t get to the beach, I go to the mall. It’s my HAPPY place and my sanctuary. Nothing in this world makes me more calm and relaxed than being surrounded by fashion and food. I was born this way (I totally came out of the womb demanding my hospital-provided onesie match my socks). I was putting together my own outfits at the age of 2. By the time I was 5, you couldn’t tell me sh*t. I was a diva and everyone had to fall in line. My nickname was Alexis (after Alexis Carrington on the TV show "Dynasty") because I had a that same fierce “don’t f**k with me” attitude as a kid. It was a constant tug-of-war between my mother and I because I REFUSED to let her dress me the way SHE wanted to dress me. I wanted to wear my socks up, she’d pull them down. She wanted me to wear a coat I didn’t like, I cut the buttons off. After years of this dance and many a** whoopins later, she finally gave in and allowed me autonomy over my own style. I had to be an individual and I was determined to be as fiercely independent as a kid (with no job) could be.

My mom at and I. (1983)

Something shifted during puberty when my body started changing. My family moved from Baltimore City (where my school was 99% black) to the suburbs of Harford County (99.9% white). Suddenly I wasn’t popular anymore. I had received mother nature’s monthly gift early at the age of 9. I was developing, and I was already taller than my teacher in the 5th grade. I started gaining weight and by the time I was in middle school, I was 5’10” 260 pounds. I became a spectacle. I was bullied and harassed, especially by the white boys in my class who terrorized me daily calling me names like“nigger face”, “drizzle”, and whatever fat insult or racial slur they could conjure up. I stood out and yet I felt invisible. I lost my confidence and became introverted. The fire that was so ferociously burning within me was diminished to a fragile, tiny little flame that the slightest poof of air could snuff out. Confidence, was no longer organically a part of me, so I had to fake it.

Roasting marshmellows after prom with my homies (1998)

By the time I reached high school, I was 5’11 and 300 pounds. I made the choice that if I was going to stand out, it was going to for reasons other than my size and skin color. I was in the marching band/concert band. I even became a cheerleader (yes me!) on a squad with a bunch of 98 pound blonds. I became excellent at playing clarinet and even won a few awards for it. I volunteered to help kids with special needs. Through it all, my passion for fashion never faded. It’s hard to imagine now that once upon a time there were only 3 stores a plus size girl could shop (Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, and Fashion Bug). Thanks to the internet and all the major movements in “body positivity”, a plus size girl can find ANYTHING and everything she wants to wear. This was not the case at all in the 90s. I was built like of a full-grown backup gospel singer at the age of 15 and I did everything I could not to dress like one. Being trendy was a struggle and was damn near an impossibility at my size back then. If I had to cut it up, sew it back together, add a rhinestone to still look like a teenager, then that’s what I did. My mother and I bought my dress for prom 4 sizes too small. We ended up cutting it open and hand sewing a panel on the side out of a yellow chiffon scarf the night before to so make it fit. No one asked me to the prom, so I went with one of my girlfriends. I never got attention from the opposite sex. Even in college no one ever asked me out, or showed interest in me. I was just Sunni. The big light-skinned girl who played clarinet. That was it and that was all.

After I graduated college at 22, I started working at a store called Tuesday Morning. Everyday in that store while I was working someone in the checkout line would asked me “Why are you doing this?”. I’d say, “Because I need money???” One lady (one of those lead Mary Kay Reps with the pink Caddy) came through the checkout line bedazzled for the GAWDS and told me “You should be modeling”. I’m like “HUH?, ME???” 15 years ago plus size modeling was in its infancy. And even then to be a plus size model you had to be a size 6-12. I was a size 24, so I always brushed off those comments thinking there was no way it was possible for me. It was only after hearing it for the 17th time, I took a chance and uploaded a grainy web cam photo onto a modeling website. From there, someone contacted me about entering a full-figured modeling competition. I went to the audition, got accepted, and I ended up placing 1st Runner Up. The producer of the event found out about a full-figured model search Tyra Banks was hosting on her talk show. I was reluctant to submit, but I did it anyway. To my surprise, I became one of the 6 finalist out of 50,000 entries all over the country. I was and flown out to Hollywood, CA to compete in The Tyra Show’s “Thick and Sexy Top Model” competition where I was 1st Runner Up AGAIN!

Front cover of local Harford County newspaper "The Aegis" (2006)

Even with those accomplishments under my belt at 26, I still didn’t have any confidence. I didn’t even truly believe that I belonged there. So, the only thing I could do next is what I taught myself do. I faked it some more. I went to every model call I could whether they were looking for plus size models or not. Designers didn’t know they were looking for a plus size model until I showed up. They made clothes for me. I did runway show after runway show. Every picture I saw of myself I hated. When you’ve been told all your life, “if you lost 100 pounds you’d be pretty”, you think that’s what’s necessary to feel good about yourself. So at 29, I figured if I lost weight I’d get my confidence back. I got a trainer, worked out 3 times a day and had a strict diet. I lost 137 pounds, and got down to a size 10/12. For the first time I actually won 1st prize at a modeling competition I had entered in NYC and was nominated for a fashion award. Suddenly I got attention I’d never gotten before. Surely that should have made me confident, right? AS IF! I still wasn’t good enough for me. I still didn’t feel good about myself.

Fashion Awards MD (2012) Best Plus Size Model Nominee. Dress: Arden B, Earrings: Ashley Stewart

Jazzy Studios Photography (2012)

At 32, I met a man who showered me with the attention I’d never gotten before. I thought made sense to be with him and got married 6 months later. What looked good on paper turned out to be a horrible nightmare that I was actually living and my biggest regret to date. The emotional/psychological/ financial abuse I endured in the marriage nearly destroyed me. While I was gaining all the weight I lost back, I lost all my assets, all my money, and all sense of self. The fire was now completely burned out.

Now at the age of 38, I find myself STILL faking it more than ever and playing tug-of-war against depression on a daily basis. I’ve been TOTALLY CLUELESS! Clueless to my worth, my own power, and ultimate fabulousness. BUT WHY??? “Why fake it when you can just have confidence for real?” you’re probably asking as you read this. I’ve been searching for myself and the diva to used to believe I was as a child, discovering who I am, most importantly WHY I am. Rebuilding my life and getting to the root of my cluelessness has been painful and exhausting. I’m realizing now how necessary this phase of my life has actually been and how my love for fashion has literally kept me alive.

2018 Photo by Jazzy Studios, Dress: Lane Bryant (purchased at Gabes), Earrings: Walmart

This is my new beginning. This is my story. This is my journey to self-discovery, self-love, self-care, and self-acceptance. This is me and my quest to live life on the “Sunni” side.